Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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