I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
