when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
