i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
