My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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