Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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