I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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