i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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