People in love make me want to vomit
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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