why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
