I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
