Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
