The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
