the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
