Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
