Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The convent might be a nice break from real life
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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