by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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