Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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