apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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