the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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