just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
