I just pynch a tree in the face
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
