HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
