Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
FUCK WHALES
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
