I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
