hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
