You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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