$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
