ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
