wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
