You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
