I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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