Your mouth is God's brothel.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
