At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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