I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I cockslap morals
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
