i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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