i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
