Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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