My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
