im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i will never coherently bang her
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
