Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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