You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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