I wish my penis had an off switch
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize