My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
