I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
