He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
