is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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