So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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