I'm so fucking centered right now
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
