How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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