Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
