I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
